Grief is the same for everyone.... even though we feel it different. So on many levels we all share this one emotion in some form. It is one of the most basic and deepest emotions that a human can feel. Words cannot touch it, arms can not reach it, tears can not wash it away.... but the healing touch of Grace can wrap it up and hold it.... that is what we depend on to survive it.
Today is the birthday of my deceased son Bradey. He would have been 6 today. His blond curls and sparkling eyes would have lightened my load I'm sure. He is my fourth son- the fourth piece of my heart- a heart that is still missing that piece of life from that boy that does not share my breath on this earth. When a part of your heart gets ripped out- you don't quite recover. The hole may be covered over, with a web of fine thread that holds the pieces in place but the thread of healing is thin and the cold air of the earth blows through the broken heart causing a deep ache sometimes. Sometimes, I have to admit that I wish i was not so "together"... pressing every feeling down until I felt like a simmering volcano ready to explode. "Everybody has hardship", I say, "so be a big girl and don't cry over things"... but sometimes I need to cry, scream, shake and stomp! I want to make somebody listen to what my heart screams -- but the day moves on, and I keep burying my heartache. There is work to be done. People need me... and need me to stay strong.
I see Bradey everywhere... I never stop thinking about him. all year he is in my thoughts. when I plan a family dinner and there is an extra spot at the table- my throat tightens and my wounded heart throbs with pain. When I see other little boys and kids his age I wonder what his voice would sound like and if he would be serious or mischievous. At Christmas I hang wings instead of a stocking in his place-- he is always with us. Always he is there, but today is the hardest -- the day he died and was born too, the day that I knew the pain of losing a child. Tomorrow will be different too in a new way. I feel like every time a year passes, I'm moving on from my loss of him. The pain and reality that I will ever kiss his soft cheeks or smell his sweet blond curls, or squeeze his chubby little body... there is no answer I will know in this life. How can I lose so much and yet appear to be whole? I still breathe- but I don't feel the same life. I have learned to breath different...I appreciate my kids more- the four I have still on this earth, cause I realize that in an instant all life can be lost. I do not take the moments for granted. Every smile is a raindrop in my cracked heart. The laughter of my children and friends is strong thread of grace that helps me sew together the broken pieces and accept my new normal. Broken, but functioning on Grace. My Father in Heaven is faithful to give me strength to lift my head up. The sunshine gives me warmth when I'm feeling my soul cringe from pain- The beauty of flowers and soft winds comfort me that Heaven is worth the wait. My Bradey Boy is waiting for me there -strong, healthy, and full of love. Life is painful- but there is more than life itself to live for....
