Boxes

I have learned to put things in boxes.....

Box of happiness
Box of sadness
Box of distress
Box of learning
Box of Daily......
Box of Work.


It helps me move forward and take next steps. Sometimes you don't have to have all the peices figured out.... just put them back in the box for a while and try again a different day.

We tend to get so crazy trying to keep all of the pieces of life straight... sometimes it helps to file some stuff away... handle one thing. then move on to the next box.
It is not easy to do this, because we want to make everything work and appear to handle it all and keep it all straight. Some people talk about "juggeling" life..... I talk about boxing it up. I have moved 15 times in 22 years. Boxes up my life is a habit. When I buy something new... I think about what kind of box I would have to fit it in to move.... that is crazy.

I tend to do that with my emotional hardship too.... box it up until I have time to look/feel and figure out.
Sometimes this is a good thing-- helps me stay focused on the task at hand instead of living out my emotions...
Sometimes it can be a deterrent since I have a tendency to lock things away.

Today I have several boxes open.... too many things on my mind. It seems that some boxes will not stay closed lately. I have to continually open/close/fill/organize..... this is exhausting! My writing helps me to 'organize' those boxes.... so today is a writing day.

I hope you find a way to organize and store all the "thought boxes" in your life.

7 yrs- 11mo- 22days and counting

Counting Again...

I just had spent a wonderful day with my son celebrating his 13th Birthday.... A day to revel in when you are young.... the day that you "officially graduate' into a teenager. Now he has reached the same status as his brothers. As I celebrate with my precious D in his new stage.... I cannot help but remember the timeline before me. This day- a birthday- always starts the clock over for me. 10 days until Bradey's Birthday. He will be 8 on April 23rd.

I am so torn today, for April always brings the rain for me.
A cold rain, not the gentle kind that mists the leaves into a shinning remnant or causes pollen to drip like honey from the tree limbs....
no, this rain hits hard and fast.
This rain brings Cold Shivers and Quivering lips.
Though it may quiet the world around, by shrouding me in the clouds of grief...
The screams in my head and the ripping of my torn heart are still deafening.
No one will see it-- no one will hear it besides my sisters in loss- who are reaching for the ray of sunshine after their "april rain" passes.
April, a month of new beginnings has a shadow of pain that always dulls the day.

7 years -- 11 mo -- 22 days and counting back. Bradey was safely alive and well at the start of that clock. He was sucking his thumb and growing strong- all was well. Safe in mommy-- listening to the outside world.

We were busy preparing for his arrival. We had a wonderful party for Derek and April 13, 2007. He turned  5-- that year was a big milestone for him as well. I remember his adorable pink smile as he got his presents-- a house full of party guests, while mama brought the cake for my sweet 'D' to blow out the candles.  At the close of the day we talked about the real present was that his brother was coming anytime-- it would be special to have a brother for his birthday! D beamed with pleasure at the thought-- he would finally be an 'older' brother and not the baby anymore. We didn't know the path of darkness we would be required to walk. Or how that little 5 year old would not know the joy of teaching that baby or how death stings and bends reality.

As I started April this year, I got news of my long-time friend that had experienced the extreme loss of her daughter in a terrible accident. I am wrecked with deep sick grief as I know what journey awaits her in the following years. I pray for a covering while she and her family find the path to move along... I beg God for His merciful peace to be with her on this dark and lonely road. It is April, again with that cold rain. My soul mirrors the weather outside as we teeter tauter  between sun and showers in this month of spring. My heart leaps to see the sun and tries to capture hope from every sight of a white butterfly or twittering bird, but then just as quickly I drop into a world of cloudy gray where the only feeling is a gapping hole that screams with the painful suction of that gripping lonely wind of grief. Every year I try to weave a pattern of silken stiches to cover the wound in my heart, but when April rips open the door again-- that wind leaves my silken strands of hope dancing in the gap like the stinging tendrils of a jelly fish.

Last year, the Real World mirrored my reeling mind when I got flowers from my ex  on the birthday of our dead son, only to be served custody papers the next day to take the other 3 children from me. What could be more cruel.

I am desperate to see what this year will bring.... what horror or what peace?
Today I try to focus on the good. Where is it??????
God, I need your Presence.... I need to feel your Grace.
I know He is there-- but I can not always feel the warmth.
I kneel, asking, pleading for the storm to subside.... what will you have me do???


7 years-- 11 mo--22days and counting.... I still breath in air, and exhale tears. I still feel the gap in my heart, at my table, and on my picture wall. I still want to wear a sign that says -- I have 4 sons...  I still look twice when I see a little boy his age with blond curls. I still have heavy arms when I hear a baby cry. I still remember his life that bloomed with great promise and think of memories that were hopes of reality-- but are truly shadows of dust in a shallow grave. I still remember his hellish death and feel with great intensity the gap in my Heart and Soul. I still beg to see him in my dreams-- as eternity is too long for a mother to wait. I still close my eyes and see his smile-- in the white butterflies and sparkles of a sun filled day. I still count every day lost... and remember every day I had- though his voice I can not hear, I feel his touch on the inside of my shredded heart, like I felt it on my ribs before his birth. There will never be a day that passes, where the timeline of April escapes me. In nature we travel from death of winter to the life of spring. In Grief we travel from the heart of life-- to the death of what we knew to be-- then must rise to the existence of what is left and live again.

I am in the countdown. The 10 heaviest days of my year.
I am tender at this time
I am broken all year long
I am whole heartedly grieving for my beautiful Bradey Boy-- he lives.... just not HERE.

New for today

I am writing this post on the last day of my vacation. This Holiday season I was blessed to have time off to spend with my children for almost a week, and it was well worth every minute. It was busy with running around and lots of activities in the day- but I found myself also looking around and feeling like I was in slow motion watching life unfold before me. In 2014 I hoped for new beginnings... but what i really found was a painful ending. I hoped for a bright horizon, but instead experienced a dessert of hurt and pain. I am cautiously approaching the new year with an expectation of breaking free from my painful shell and feeling the sun again. I breath slowly as if to save my oxygen, quietly listening for any sound that may give away what lies a head of me. I will walk cautiously, but with determined step... for I know that my only hope lies in the God of my Salvation and i must trust each day to his Master Plan. I am not confident that there will not be pain on my path- the reality is that pain is part of this human life. I am not sure that there will be love to brace me from the storm- even love is not able to shield me from the cold forever. I AM positive that i will make it- even though I  do not know what that picture looks like on the other side. I AM sure that the time and attention I've given my children will not go to waste - in their hearts they know I will always be their advocate. So I hold up 2014 and ask myself.... what did you learn?

Well, I learned a lot and here are a couple thoughts:
*nothing on Earth is as stable as it seems
*Friends come and go
*Love can be found unexpectedly
*I am blessed beyond measure to have the children that i have
*True joy is found in giving and sharing small moments
*Life is bigger than my mistakes
*I am strong
*I am brave
*It is ok to ask for help
*Every day is a chance to start over-- use the cards you have and play your hand

2014 was a year of storms. The wind and darkness almost engulfed me, but I open my eyes now at the start of 2015 and I am still standing...so I am believing for a sunrise on the Horizon. To feel the sun and experience a new Peace. Laughter and Singing... I am believing for a truth to become real in my life-- "the oil of Joy for Mourning". This is my start for a brand new Day.