Written from Bradey's graveside as I stood in tears and grief yesterday.....

Today marks 10 years that my little warrior was taken from me. As I stand at his graveside, I close my eyes and the flashbacks start to roll. I remember the smell of your skin when I kissed your face, how you were so soft I felt you might melt under the heat of my breath as my love poured over you. Every feature is burned in my mind, I wanted to hold you forever ... Warrior number 4 in my precious little line. Bradey you were the fourth pillar, the son given to my to complete my band of warriors, an icon of peace and a vision of light....and then you were gone. As my pillar of hope crumbled and my heart shattered -- I was lost in a chasm of pain and acute loss. I am chilled by the icicles of loss as I stand here today. The air is cold and rain drizzles as I kneel at your grave;  I reach to touch your name- the only PHYSICAL item I have that shows evidence of your presence on this earth and grief hits me like a tidal wave. My hot tears stream down; the scars on my heart start to throb as the heartbreak washes over my soul, and the atmosphere responds as rain pours down on me from the heavens. I am devastated by the loss and perplexed how my new normal has caused me to become callused to the "threshold" of pain so that I can endure not to having you here. 

I know that while you were taken from me for my physical life, I have not lost you forever. I will see you again ..... and while I wait, I choose in my mind to see you strong and peaceful, full of laughter and growing in Heaven to be the courageous soul you were meant to be. God's purpose is not lost, even when death twists our hearts by the rip in our life fabric; My God is a good God. He walks with me on dark nights and protects me on weak days. My destiny is to be a Warrior of Hope and even when the night is dense with grief and the air heavy with pain, I choose to believe that the vision of Hope and Light is worth fighting to keep and share. "Press on Lttle Warrior!" I say, hoping you can hear me  "our souls are connected, and our destiny linked by forces we don't have the capacity to understand". 

Bradey Josheb-- 10 years old today!! The celebration of your life lives on....

My prayer is for Grace and Hope-- let there be healing oil for every mother's tattered heart who has been made to live through losing a child. 

Pounding Heart

We all have epic moments of terror during our lives that insight trauma in our minds....

Pounding Heart.... Pounding Head........thoughts throb one cumbersome mess at a time, my blood runs cold then hot with each surge through my veins....

"This cannot be happening. This is not real. Bad dreams come and go", I say-- as if to comfort myself amidst the unprecedented evil turn of events that I am facing. "you will rise.... be strong and courageous-- Do not cower or quiver under the strain-- use your head, be rational" I state aloud, while trying to make a case that rational thought will explain the piercing reality of pain away.

Grief comes in waves of grey and blue with an occasional red blast of hot stinging pins to my heart...
I close my eyes and wish that sleep or a waking comma will take me from reality for a little while. My soul needs rest, my mind needs Peace. Then I wonder....maybe God keeps me from ultimate rest because my battle has been (continues to be..) so intense over the last several years, that if I rested or fell asleep- then I would lose my edge. So possibly I am kept in a state of vigilance to protect me from the ever- present destroyer and his brood of evil doers that lurk nearby.

People say.... "you can't ever be too careful-- plan for the worst so you will be prepared".  I did not do that. I believed in the good, the hard worker and the truth of loyalty. I have not chosen negativity and brooding distrust because I possess this undying expectation that there is joy and happiness to be found. I believe in what others are CAPABLE of and push them to that excellence. I choose to see the glimmer of hope in a grey environment. The sun does not shine daily, but the warmth once felt can be harnessed in one's soul for the dark days. I choose to believe Love always wins and rules in the end; love will cover the wounds of the broken. I trust that there is rest for the weary and heavy laden.... but in reality, many are weary and I am stronger than most.  My testing is brutal, my wounds bleeding, but my heart pounds strong and undaunted by the thunder of the storm. Is this my downfall? This undying hope, the atrophy of a relentless warrior spirit? I was born for war.... I dare not struggle to choose weakness now.

All questions loom and swirl, but most will not be answered. The plight of a warrior is to forge on through the battle that rages one dark wave after another. Victory will be derived from building a sequence of small victories. Today the victory is as small as Breath, Body Armour, light to see the enemy and food for the soul from the encouragement of a friend.

Take heart! ... for you did not die in battle today -- you will live strong to fight again tomorrow.