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Happy 17th Birthday Bradey!!!

Science has proven that there are cells of a child that persist in a mothers body and stay in circulation, resting in her organs and brain throughout life. This may explain why a mother can "feel" her children even when they are far away or physically out of reach. My children are mostly grown, but I still feel their joy or pain and it can even be symptomatic as I listen to them describe their feelings; or even when they are not speaking to me, I always seem to "know" when they need help or a loving voice to connect with.  I can still feel them -- their vibration on the earth is like a pulse in my veins that is ever-present, yet undetectable to the human ear or eye. I can not feel Bradey -- he is gone. I feel the "lack of him". I feel the hole inside my soul, he is absent. The link is broken and the epic sadness of his missing soul is what I feel. I only had him for the 9 months that he was growing inside me, but while he grew into a person I was there... singing him to sleep and whispering prayers over him while I lightly held my belly as if he could feel my hand on his body bringing him a vibratiion of Peace and Love. While God knitted his organs together and created his being.... I was there, feeling each new day and growth. The spark inside me -- the growing soul. The promise of life, hope and a new era. Bradey represented a turning point in my life and I was so excited for his birth. The culmination of my promise from God - a 4th pillar in the Warrior crew I had prayed for. I was determined to stand strong in the battle and fight! I asked God to bring me a crew of boys that I could raise to be Warriors like me - to fight the good fight and stand with me against the injustice and epic darkness of my wayward husband. 4 sons was the blessing I had dreamed of, the crew of boys that would have my back always - the promise I believed God gave me and my Destiny.... then, the darkness came. 

He was stolen from me, I felt him ripped away. The moment his soul left my body, I screamed for help..... but it was too late, they could not save him. These moments are etched in my brain and body.  My heart beat slows down almost to a stop as I remember the paralyzing feeling of being told.... 'he is gone'. 

Fast forward... 17 years later. I sit at my laptop imagining what my Bradey boy would be doing if he were with me today. A Junior in High School - playing sports - annoying his brothers while giving me fits - and then wrapping me up with joy and laughter all at the same time. I have this picture of him in my mind...

• Sparkling green eyes with curly blond hair
• Short of course (both mom and dad are small people) but stocky and strong. 
• Built tough in nature, ready for anything
• A little tormentive and whimsical; 
• Brash and reckless
• Mom's treasure,bringing me laughter and joy each day
• Full of courage
• Generous in nature
• Fiercely loyal 
• Not afraid of any challenge

Today, if on this earth, Bradey would be a light to all those he touched and a spark of Hope and joy to all in his path. I am grateful for the knowledge that I will see him again someday. I choose to think of him now as growing and living a blessed and glorious life in Heaven where I will meet him again someday. I am grateful that he was able to escape the pain of the human life, but it does not erase the painful zings of sadness that stab my heart sometimes when I see a boy his age with wavy blond curls and a bright happy smile. I feel that blank space in my heart again and the floodgates of tears press upon my eyelids. I yearn to see him, and yet if I had to choose.... a life on Earth of sadness and pain vs. a life in Heaven with the Master of Peace and Love..... I choose to give him the life of Peace and Love, every time. 

As the years tick by, I am consistently amazed how time slips away, but the moments of Bradeys life are etched in my heart and soul. His impact is great and his story is grand. So today as i remember my Warrior Son of Promise - i encourage you, BE BOLD! Life life to the fullest each day. Do not give up your desire and loves for a less impactful moment. Choose wisely each day, so you can be focused and a truth seeker who will follow the path of truth so then you can see  who have gone before. While we live and wait... I choose to live graciously in Joy and accept that while I have a scar I do not have to live in pain. 

I choose life.... for me and those I love! In celebration of Love through life and even in death-- I will perpetuate Joy as much as I can, so that those that live with scars of loss may have Hope. Celebrating my son Bradey today, whose life albeit short, was epic in more ways than one!

The Cactus

Once there was a little gardener who wanted to plant a beautiful garden. She dreamed of a white fence around her carefully planned and cultivated space with vibrant flowers to bring joy each day. The first plant she chose turned out to be a cactus. It was strong and interesting and she tended lovingly to its needs. Sometimes she got pricked by the spines, but she tried to avoid them and worked diligently to water it and keep the garden soil around it soft and healthy. 

As the cactus grew stronger, its spines grew longer and sharper so that the little gardener could not get very close to it without getting jabbed. Whenever she tried to touch it or work close to it, she would get scratched and she would bleed! The gardener was disappointed but Brave and kept driving toward her dream; so while she continued to care for the cactus, she planted other plants in her garden and experienced enough joy from them to dry some of her tears. but the cactus became more demanding and began to speak gruffly. "This is MY garden! Water me and feed me! You are a stupid gardener to put time into other things!"

Although the little gardener tried to be faithful, she noticed that the cactus grew bigger and bigger until the spines were unavoidable, even piercing her other sweet little plants from time to time, and making them bleed too. 

She struggled to be the best gardener she could, she tended her other plants lovingly, enjoying each one to the fullest and making as much room as possible for the dominating cactus to grow and thrive; but one day after being pierced to the heart by the cactus, she looked in the mirror and saw that she was covered with scars and festering wounds. Realizing that, no matter what she did the cactus continued to shred and accost her, she decided to transplant her garden to a safe place while she still could. The cactus was angry and shouted, "what are you doing? You are ruining MY garden!" and as she began to transplant her other flowers, she felt frightened that they might not live through it even with her great love and careful tending. She kept working and soon had them in new soil, away from the cactus. Even though her little plants became a bit droopy and weak, she worked even harder to take good care of them and soon they began to settle into their new ground and flourish. 

The cactus did not like an empty garden and shouted, "Come back! Tend to me, or I will die!" it tried to reach the little gardener, and sometimes the spines would prick against her back as she worked in her new garden, but she kept her distance hoping the cactus could still live on its own. The cactus stretched so hard that its tough, outer skin cracked a bit and some nectar burst through and caused the cactus to shine in the sun. The little gardener was happy to see it shine. The nectar drew a flutter of bees and colorful moths around the cactus but it still shouted at the little gardener, "See, I am great and shiny - What is wrong with you? Can't you see my shinny nectar?"

She wanted to, but when she looked she only saw the spines and remembered her wounds and pain. With many tears, the little gardener threw herself into her new garden and it began to thrive beneath her diligence. Her Honeysuckle Vine filled the atmosphere with sweetness and she rested in its shade. Her Daffodil was strong and bold, though its beauty was seasonal - she looked forward to those seasons and cultivated the ground for more bloom time. Her Chrysanthemum was robust and hardy, producing many blooms from spring to frost, a constant joy. And her little wild rose, although rambling, brought her much laughter and filled her heart with peace and song. 

Then the cactus reached again, stretching itself even more and a beautiful flower burst forth; then another. "I have flowers!" the cactus shouted. "Can't you see the flower I have for you? Come here and pick them so we will be happy." The little gardener peered through the mist, trying to see the flowers but she still saw the sharp piercing spines and remembered her scars and wounds; she knew that the flowers may be there, but were buried under a mob of sharp spines and anyone that tried to experience the beauty of the flowers would first be pierced with the poison of the spines. The flowers were too little - too late, and she shivered to think of them,  glad she was far from the cactus reach.

The gentle voice of the Master Gardener came through the mist and said, "Do not cry; give your cactus to Me and let it go. I will take it from you - you are no longer responsible to help it grow and thrive. The cactus is my job now. Take all your energy and love and continue to grow the garden I gave you and plants that thrive in your care. I will provide for you, so you can provide for them." 

So she did; the sun came out, and her wounds began to heal. She began to learn about resting and peace with no spines poking her in the back. It was the beginning of a new day.... not the garden she started with, but a new beautiful version she could grow forever. She kept the knowledge in her heart to share someday  "the truth about Cactus Spines", but for now her small flowers needed tending. She was their everything - and they were her pure joy! 

The End... (and the beginning!)

A life story for you to ponder.... make of it what you feel you must. Ingest the truth and freely own the message if you can. Life is not easy, but we do not have to stay in a prison of pain and sorrow... You are not obligated to tend to ungrateful toxic environments just because you planted in that garden. 

Time Creep...

 

Time.... friend or foe they say? Both, on any given day! 

Lately there has been a "time creep" - that is what I call it when time creeps up on you and suddenly you feel you have skipped days or weeks and are in a new season. I equate this to the vision of a weary traveler walking up a hill - the struggle is constant and then she hears a river around the corner and so with new energy starts to run toward the sound. Suddenly, as she rounds the bend and before she can get a grip on her steps she has stumbled off the path and is tumbling down a hill toward the water feeling the wet grass against her skin as she realizes... the climb is over, but the journey has only begun!

Don't be afraid of running for what you don't see. To make it to the next great thing, you must start from a place where you cannot see the ending. Even though I may trip and fall on my way to the water... I will not die on this dry path half way to my goal.  There is beauty in allowing yourself to 'feel the moment'. Even when you are surprised the outcome. I have lost plenty of people along the way and even some family, but they were not meant for the thin air of the mountain so when the people fall away that were tugging at your soul, don't stop- don't wait... let them go. Not everyone can travel where you will go - you must find the people on the path that already have a common thread of life. This is most likely a mentality more than a particular quality or stage of life. 

Be strong enough to allow people to leave your life. If your path is different, it's ok, people are sometimes only meant to be with you for a season. You learn from everyone you come in contact with so take your knowledge and keep on stepping. Time... we cannot see it or hear it, we try to measure it but never successfully as there is no way to measure the force that moves silently but ever so consistently through our lives. Be mindful of each moment - this is the way to capture, hold and never waste this silent gift. Be kind to yourself - allow freedom of moment to guide you through time. Don't be hindered by those who either refuse to understand your goals or have no interest in standing with you. Truly, let time carry them away and bring you a fresh perspective with less baggage. Feel the freedom to have your own thoughts and carry only your own bags! 

Silence...

 My silence is not golden -- in this current case. I am silent because I carefully evaluate all my words. Good, Bad or indifferent in value.... my speech is stopped. I am not spouting sarcastic comments or saying wise encouragements. Stopped. 

My evaluation of my own "space" in my head and outside my head has taken a very introspective turn and I do not have the energy to fight the fight verbally today. 

Whether I since or swim, the battle of tredding water is mostly in a person's own psyche. How they navigate mostly happens inside even before they utter a word. I feel like my mouth is covered with tape, like I have a gag on. I am so utterly turned upside down that I cannot speak. The way I normally move through life... confident even in struggle - sassy even in fear -- and determined even when black and blue with life's battle, this is not my form today. 

My stride has been broken, my thoughts challenged and my ability to "let it go" smashed to bits by the undaunted voice of reason that I have ignored most of my existence. So for these very reasons... I stay quiet while I figure out my next move. Tredding water, silently with my own battle of the mind, while my face stays calm and the questions of what will happen next loom ever so present in my mind. 

I tell myself - "Just breathe, and wake again to see the sun" -- this shall be my goal until the deep waters in my broken heart stop swirling and I can swim to shore and again stand upon the firm ground once more.

12 years in a moment- a Birthday Note

Bradey Josheb: My 4th son and Warrior of Hope

We celebrated your 12 birthday today! Your brothers and sister had a little party with me— we wrote our traditional birthday messages to you and watched the balloons dance as they sailed away on the wind. Everyone I saw today I wanted to say "I am celebrating my sons birthday!"-- and spill about how much I ache for you, but I have learned to manage my sharing as the mixed cocktail of my deep love and grief is not easily handled by others. In my desperation for your birthday not to be overlooked, I want to disrupt the normal for everyone-- lol, yeah, not a good plan. 

Early today I sat alone for a bit in the grass by the stone where your name is engraved - the only place on earth besides my grief tatted heart where your presence is posted daily. The world was a bit shrouded in a haze, even though the sun was bright; my eyes shimmered with tears begging to spill down my cheeks. I felt cheated that your time on earth was cut short. My heart still aches for that life we missed together and I grieve for the time that was stolen - confused that before your first day on earth reached dusk you entered Heaven's gates as a powerful little soul. 

While I can't grasp why He allowed you to be taken— My Heavenly Fathers unfailing Love wraps up my scars and continues to lead me in this journey of purpose. We will keep fighting here... in the war for Peace until we see you again— 

Strength and Courage— ❤️Mom