Soul Windows

Im not sure what I want to write about today.... turmoil, joy, tears, broken hearts, hope, rivers of thoughts flow through my head as I stand looking into the windows of my soul.  Im staring in, like an outsider to my own soul and finding that there are many different rooms. Some rooms have shade and i can't see everything inside, some are bright and sunny- hope lives there with promise of future happy days. Each room contains not only where I've been, but the wonder of things undiscovered there. My mind battles through the hallways of all that is contained in this "virtual house of Angie". It seems as if it would be easy to navigate the places that I've been before, but the clouds of sadness dampen my abilitiy to see past the boxes that have been stacked up in those rooms of days gone by. My heart is weary and my mind it tired of constantly trying to figure out how to move forward. Why can't I just admit that Im having a hard time and sit down!? I am always pressing toward the future and pushing for change....

So today- I'm still. Just feeling the moments. Bridging the gap between reality today and what 'was'. Allowing myself to be honest and feel some of the things that I typically ignore and hide. Time will give me a moment.... God gives me breath..... and I'm just feeling my way through today.

Its a Very Bradey Day--

Today is the birthday of my deceased son Bradey. He would have been 5 today. His blond curls and sparkling eyes would have lightened my load I'm sure. He is my fourth son- the fourth piller of our home- a home that was rocked upon his death 5 years ago. When a part of your heart gets ripped out- you don't quite recover. The hole may be covered over, but the scar is tender and stays that way. When people bump it with their words or actions that are crassly thrown about whether intentional or not, it breaks open that fine thread that is barely holding things together. The thread of healing is thin. All that is pressed down and shaken about through the riggors of life comes rushing out, and like a waterfall pours out uncontroled. Sometimes, I have to admit that I wish i was not so "together"... pressing every feeling down until I felt like a simmering volcano ready to explode. "Everybody has hardship", I say, "so be a big girl and don't cry over things"... but sometimes I need to cry, scream, shake and stomp! I want to make somebody listen to what my heart screams -- but the day moves on, and I keep burying my heartache. There is work to be done. People need me... and need me to stay strong. I see Bradey everywhere... I never stop thinking about him. all year he is in my thoughts. when I plan a family dinner and there is an extra spot at the table- my throat tightens and my wounded heart throbs with pain. When I see other little boys and kids his age I wonder what his voice would sound like and if he would be serious or mischeivious. At Christmas I hang wings instead of a stocking in his place-- he is always with us. The brothers miss him too- Delaney knows she is the Rainbow that brightened my sadness after Bradey died. Always he is there, but today is the hardest -- the day he died and was born too, the day that I knew the pain of losing a child. Tomorrow will be hard too in a new way. I feel like every time a  year passes, I'm moving on from my loss of him. The pain and reality that no one will ever kiss his soft cheeks or smell his sweet blond curls, or sqeeze his chubby little body... why did he have to be taken from me? How can I lose so much and yet appear to be whole? I still breathe- but I don't feel the same life. I have learned to breath different...I appreciate my kids more- the four I have still on this earth, cause  I realize that in an instant all can be lost. I do not take the moments for granted. Every smile is a raindrop in my cracked heart. The laughter of my children and friends is strong thread of grace that helps me sew together the broken pieces and accept my new normal. Broken, but functioning on Grace. My Father in Heaven is faithful to give me strenth to lift my head up. The sunshine gives me warmth when I'm feeling my soul cringe from pain- The beauty of flowers and soft winds comfort me that Heaven is worth the wait. My Bradey Boy is waiting for me there -strong, healthy, and full of love. He will be older and stronger, but who knows what Heaven holds? Life is painful- but there is more than life itself to live for....

Winter

Winter was strange this year. No ice storms,no snow- what is winter without ice or snow? I kept waiting for the cuddle down days where you sit by the fire with hot tea and your favorite book.... just watching the flurries of snow freeze the unfeeling world into one big ice pack. It did not happen. Now my focus has changed- I'm over the cold and on to sunny thoughts. I no longer wait for snow since my attention has been grabbed by the song of the little bird that sits on my deck and chirps its spring song. As I look out the window it is still winter-- but a grey day, with no promise of personality or purpose- just grey. not even really cold. I wonder... what makes the Blue Bird look for spring? Is it the warm days we had last week or is it the "hope" inside the little birds heart that 'sunny days will come again'? I would love to capture the creatures way of just looking ahead to the sunny days... Grey days have their place, but I'm in the mood for sun. The long Grey Winter with its cold unfeeling breath has left me pale and wanting. I  feel the insatiable need for warmth and all the beauty of spring to cheer my melancholy heart. I need to soar into the blue with a warm spring breeze. I need to see life and color burst around me with the art that only God creates as He paints the world after the drab period of winter. My body aches for time in the sun- my mind reflects on the "feeling" of summer. For with the weather change will come a change in all of us. We emerge from our state of hibernation with intent to 'live a little'. We BBQ, we bike ride;  we swim; we sit and soak in the rays- all the while feeling just a little lighter of heart-- yes, it's time for some sunny days and I will watch and wait them anxiously!

Change -- as a rule.

Sitting here today looking into the grey winter sky, I realized that it has been a year since I have posted here. I think of it often, but my thoughts swirl into a tornado of what to write and then pretty soon I'm off with some other activity of life and do not take the time to sit down. It will be easier when I get my new laptop as my current one has to be attached to the wall-- no battery. So, I am pinned down on the couch for writing and it grates against my personality to be forced into a mold.... anyway, you get the picture. Here on this page, I can easily write-- but the topic today is CHANGE.  I know that most people are afraid of change-- I wonder why. Are they so happy with their current situation that they feel there is no room for change- or is it that they don't control the change? What causes anxiety over change? I personally have an appetite for experiencing as many things I can - without jumping outside my current life-choices (motherhood etc ) . I have been forced into many changes this year which  I did not see coming, but the ebb and flow of life still continues. I noticed that I did not stop breathing-  I just learned how to breathe differently.I still will continue to transition and figure out how to live in the current circumstance, it will take time since most things cannot be figured out in a flash of inspiration. We have to first embrace the change- then if we don't like how it looks, we can purpose to alter it to better fit the life we choose to create.  Many say life is a journey- so why are we trying to jump off the moving path? We should welcome the idea of expanding ourselves in mind and experience... this causes us to grow. I say- if you don't like it, CHANGE IT! Please don't complain about your life... just make as many changes as you can to rectify whatever has gone wrong. We all have bitter circumstances that are handed to us, death, pain, sickness, or a  personal attack by someone we love, sadness engulfs us for a time,but you are not required to sit in the same place and resign yourself to be the victim of hardship. You made mistakes... missed your boat, or made a bad career decision. So What?! Get up- Get dressed, and now hit the ground running toward something that you want to do or be. If you are willing to change your attitude, you have already made a good step. Be BOLD- do not give up. People will not support you, but who cares! Change is hard- but great! You have more opportunity than many people just because you are reading this and that means you have the power to control what you put into your mind- so get started! Say... "I choose..." -- fill it in with something you can do today. Something small, take a first step. All great athlete's start with a vision of perfection and one good practice. We should take this to heart and follow their lead and practice the idea of change, embrace the idea and make up your mind. Don't delay- reach for the goal- don't be scared... just think about every step you take bringing you closer to what you are seeking. Run-- don't walk, seek answers, work hard, and laugh ... as you watch the mountain of hardship that stood in your way slowly  start to become a part of the landscape behind you. Make change your new constant companion and life will never be the same again.