Its a Very Bradey Day--

Today is the birthday of my deceased son Bradey. He would have been 5 today. His blond curls and sparkling eyes would have lightened my load I'm sure. He is my fourth son- the fourth piller of our home- a home that was rocked upon his death 5 years ago. When a part of your heart gets ripped out- you don't quite recover. The hole may be covered over, but the scar is tender and stays that way. When people bump it with their words or actions that are crassly thrown about whether intentional or not, it breaks open that fine thread that is barely holding things together. The thread of healing is thin. All that is pressed down and shaken about through the riggors of life comes rushing out, and like a waterfall pours out uncontroled. Sometimes, I have to admit that I wish i was not so "together"... pressing every feeling down until I felt like a simmering volcano ready to explode. "Everybody has hardship", I say, "so be a big girl and don't cry over things"... but sometimes I need to cry, scream, shake and stomp! I want to make somebody listen to what my heart screams -- but the day moves on, and I keep burying my heartache. There is work to be done. People need me... and need me to stay strong. I see Bradey everywhere... I never stop thinking about him. all year he is in my thoughts. when I plan a family dinner and there is an extra spot at the table- my throat tightens and my wounded heart throbs with pain. When I see other little boys and kids his age I wonder what his voice would sound like and if he would be serious or mischeivious. At Christmas I hang wings instead of a stocking in his place-- he is always with us. The brothers miss him too- Delaney knows she is the Rainbow that brightened my sadness after Bradey died. Always he is there, but today is the hardest -- the day he died and was born too, the day that I knew the pain of losing a child. Tomorrow will be hard too in a new way. I feel like every time a  year passes, I'm moving on from my loss of him. The pain and reality that no one will ever kiss his soft cheeks or smell his sweet blond curls, or sqeeze his chubby little body... why did he have to be taken from me? How can I lose so much and yet appear to be whole? I still breathe- but I don't feel the same life. I have learned to breath different...I appreciate my kids more- the four I have still on this earth, cause  I realize that in an instant all can be lost. I do not take the moments for granted. Every smile is a raindrop in my cracked heart. The laughter of my children and friends is strong thread of grace that helps me sew together the broken pieces and accept my new normal. Broken, but functioning on Grace. My Father in Heaven is faithful to give me strenth to lift my head up. The sunshine gives me warmth when I'm feeling my soul cringe from pain- The beauty of flowers and soft winds comfort me that Heaven is worth the wait. My Bradey Boy is waiting for me there -strong, healthy, and full of love. He will be older and stronger, but who knows what Heaven holds? Life is painful- but there is more than life itself to live for....